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[Oct. 20th, 2009|07:53 pm] |
Sometimes out of the clear.... I suddenly remember the smell of moss on my grandmother's stairs to her front porch. I remember how like dark green velvet the moss looked. I remember pinching off a tuft of that moss and eating it like it was some secret delicacy. It tasted like.... moss. I remember the taste of bits of sugar cane fresh from the stalk. One of my uncles threw the stalks from the cane truck as I waited on our front lawn knowing that he will be passing around that time of the day. The bit of sugar cane was sweet and juicy.... and so wonderful. I chewed it until there was no more taste or juice left. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|06:19 pm] |
I spoke to my sister earlier today. That triggered a lot of memories. Some good, some bad, some happy and some very sad. I remembered: My grandmothers cooking, my maternal grandmother's because my father's mother from Lisboa was such a terrible cook. I miss the smell of my dads shaving lotion when he hugged me and I squirmed and struggle to break free because I was not used to being hugged but I liked it also. I miss my dad playing his guitar and singing Portuguese songs for me. I miss my grand aunty making pao duce in her outdoor oven and the smell traveling all around the lane where we lived. I miss saturday's going to the movies and having a treat after with my siblings. I miss going camping and fishing with my family. Ocean fishing of course because we live in Hawaii. I miss going to my mothers job after ballet class and my mom giving me a special treat because at that time, my mother was a waitress and the food where she worked was so good. I miss climbing the guava trees behind our house and hiding there from my cousins. I miss the Bay Area and all it has to offer, the beautiful bridges, the unique districts, the spirit of creativity all around, the great food, the quirky vibe and the wonderful mix of culture and arts. I remember being with both my parents when they died, an experience no one can imagine unless it happened to them. I miss them both terribly. I miss my only brother who is out there somewhere, no one in the family knows where, but he has lots of problems but is a dear sweet soul and I love him so much. I miss working at the homeless shelter. I feel so blessed that I worked there for over 6 years. It changed my life forever. |
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| Less is not more.... and that is a good thing. |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|07:53 pm] |
 I am in my tiny little apartment by myself in the dark winding down after a long work day. The sound of the fan is comforting. It is familiar with no surprises, just a slow rhythmic unchanging sound. It gives a sense of order with no pretension. I have become rather spartan in my isolation. I never was one to amass "stuff". I grew up poor that I think that if I had a lot of material things, lol, I probably would be in shock. However, we do collect things in our lifetime. Little "proofs of life" collected like dust on our feet as we walk through life. Traumatic events alters our world like how the world looks like after a tidal wave or earthquake. An eerie calmness surrounds us amongst the wreckage and debris. It is very sobering. That state of being is where I have been for a little over 2 years now. I lost a lot when "the event occurred". I passed through different levels of pain, physical and mental anguish. I gave away most of my belongs. I feel lighter and unhindered, not tied to this worldly place by "things". I am free and not a slave that has to keep up with "whomever" and get and have "whatever". At work, I am part of a team of professionals. Most of them are extreme elitist and hoity toity. I get picked on and criticized because I don't look the part and worst of all I don't care, so that makes my colleagues annoyed with me and often times very angry. When I am at work, I get lost in my work so that I can block out the spoiled materialistic brats.
As I am gazing at those cyborgs that want me to conform, I wonder if they even realize what they are saying and how they sound, or do they even care? I worry about our planet and the children that we carelessly bring into this place. What will happen to them? The more technologically advanced we get, the more primitive and uncivilized we become. Gathering, wanting to own, doing whatever it takes to amass. Buying and stealing more then we need or can use in one lifetime. Greed.
Paring down will not solve your problems or even buy a place in heaven, but if you need to run and hide someday, it is much easier to do if you don't have anything to take with you in a U-Haul. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2009|08:07 am] |
 Be careful of blinking or taking a short nap. In the blink of an eye, your whole universe can change. Nothing is forever accept death. You know we are born dying. I wonder if that accounts for some suicides. The whole "bring on the inevitable" concept..... kind of like betting on a sure thing. At night if and when I do fall asleep, I am awakened by a bone chilling moan and the rustle of giant wings flying overhead. Then lie awake and wait until its time to take my morning shower and then off to work while it is still dark outside. I work so close to where I live that sometimes the line of division of work and home is blurred and I allow trespassing from one realm into another. That is slowly becoming a habit or should I say reverting back to how I used to be when I was very lonely. Oh yes I am lonely again. Who am i kidding? A dangerous state of being where in my mind I have all these ideas of things I can do now that I am solo and not preoccupied with making someone else happy or consumed with thinking of him. (Again, who am I kidding I Imiss that so much.) You know, like the way he smells..... taste and feels. But yet with all that free time and voids to fill, there is a lot of ideation but no action. I am in a state of inertia. I have to admit that I can create my art, write poetry cook incredible meals when I am in a relationship. I have been described as geeky, sensual, sexy and creative but in my opinion that creature emerges when she is in love and loved. What does that make me? Am I a codependent person? Am I weak and lack substance? Or am I just being human? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2008|01:12 pm] |
 Has any of you ever had something happen to you in a split second..... that made you feel that you had gone somewhere else and you don't know how you got there? It's like you are in a "twin universe" where folks were the same, situations were the same, but the way the "players" process information and events is bizarre and the results were soul killing. In another life....... I must have been a serial killer or at the very least, a foul hurtful creature that is now being hit by the Kharma Train for all my past transgressions....... if that is so then I should stop whining and suck it up.
Is there really true and undying love? Or is something that a very clever entrepreneur came up with to sell valentines, sex toys, boxes of chocolates, sexy underwear and the list goes on and on. Why does something so beautiful as love and passion kill and hurts so much that it breaks your heart, the very place that love comes from?
I guess that is one of the many mysteries of the universe.
The early part of this week, I will get answers that will alter my life forever and maybe change the lives of folks who genuinely care about me. The only comfort in all of this is that I will do whatever I can to spare them them as much as I can and that knowing that time heals and it is human nature to only remember the beautiful times and the good.
YOU know who you are. Know this...... I will love you until the end of time + infinity. |
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| Vog alert |
[May. 26th, 2008|08:05 am] |
 For those of you who do not know what vog is: Vog is a portmanteau (blended word) from the words "volcanic" and "smog," and is a volcanic smog formed when sulfur dioxide and other pollutants emitted by an erupting volcano mix with oxygen and moisture in the presence of sunlight. The term is most often applied to the island of Hawaii, where the Kīlauea volcano has been erupting continuously since 1983. Kilauea emits an estimated 2,000 tons of vog every day. Everyone I know is suffering the effects of vog. Since I started working in this job, I have not authorized so much hospital admissions and asthma medications as I have done for the past few weeks. I myself am plagued with teary burning eyes sinus headaches and slight runny nose. My symptoms are no where near what others are having to deal with. I used to live on the island where the Kilauea volcano is on, I am now on Oahu. That eruption has been going for many years now. THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER on the other side. Today, I am missing the Bay Area and Northern California so much that I want to curl up and wish myself there. I found out the he is flying out there for a week to meet his biological mother for the first time. I always thought that the next time either of us goes back to that area, it would be together, since we moved back here together. I have always been a pollyanna, naive, dreamer and a fool my whole life......... will I ever stop? I miss the cool air and night fog of the Bay Area. What is wrong with me? I was born in Hawaii....... sunshine, beaches, beautiful flowers and vegetation....... an eclectic blend of cultures, food and lifestyles. My racial background has so many connections here. I was born here in Oahu in the Kalihi area. My mother's family lived in Hilo, on the Big Island of Hawaii. I thought my mother was born in Madeira but I recently found out my mothers side of the family are from the Cape Verde Islands. My father's mother is from Lisboa, also knows as Lisbon. My father's father is Macanese. He was born and raised in Macau. My grandfather's father is 3 quarters portuguese and 1 quarter swedish born in Macau and his mother was a 1 quarter chinese and 3 quarters portuguese. I am grateful that I grew up here in Hawaii, it is special and unique in so many ways, however, I feel my best when I am in the Bay Area. I miss the drives up north 101 or I5 to Redding, Shasta, Oregon and Washington state. I miss sipping good wine or large cups of steaming coffee in front of a crackling fireplace....... I love the smell of the smoke of the fireplace. Because it is ALWAYS so hot and humid here, it drains my energy and all I want to do is find a shady place preferably one with a breeze blowing near it. I am so so not a sun or beach person. I am far to introverted to really enjoy a place like Hawaii. But, life brings me here and without going into details, I help my family a lot and this is where they live. How I wish we could live on alternate planes of existence. |
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| Anhadonia |
[May. 24th, 2008|09:39 pm] |
Anhadonia is my new address in the United States of Being. Today is my....... or should I say was our wedding anniversary. At 5:30 PM, this past Friday, when I reached the 4th level of the parking in the building that I work in.... as soon as I safely walked out of the elevator and heard the doors shut behind me. I started to cry. I cried so much that I startled myself and turned to see if another woman was also crying right behind me. There was no one else there but me... the Queen of Sorrow. I cannot believe the direction that my life has taken, like a kamikaze train insanely derailed and free falling down a cliff. Shattered into a million pieces upon impact and killing all in its wake. He has moved on, and from what I hear much more easily and successfully then I. Literally. I really need to get back on anti-depressants. For a while, I was so full of rage that it fueled me to wake up every morning. I am still angry and resentful but not consumed by it like I was. Now I am like a drunk who has sobered up and is blinking in shock at the wreckage of my life around me. I forgot the woman I used to be. I barely look in mirrors and if I do catch a glance........ I see a stranger staring back at me. I am numb. When I am not working I rarely leave the house and spend most of my time in bed. When I get home from work. I do not turn any lights on. I do what I need to do with the remaining light of day until it darkens and then lay in my bed with the overhead fan and air conditioning until I fall asleep. I must say that with my new self imposed schedule, my electric utility bill is so much less. Okay....... I know. Get over it. Someone I know reminds me almost daily..... It is what it is. |
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| Happy Mother's Day to you. |
[May. 11th, 2008|07:34 am] |
MOTHERS
Anticipation pain and then jubilation. Angelic and internal scents all in one tiny bundle......how sublime. Minds as open as the sky from whence they came... how can this be she muses with tears glistening like diamonds in her eyes. Holding fast like the talons of a... hawk but with soft gentle nudging from a ewe to her lamb... scenarios of what she would do to protect her young are her dreams that she drifts off to sleep with. How fitting it is that a gift from Heaven....
gives one in return.... |
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| Saddest Christmas |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|09:58 am] |
I want to wish you all a peacful Christmas. This is the saddest and lonliest Christmas I have ever had in my life. At this point I cannot get into the details because I am at a point at this moment that if I dare write about it........... I will cease to exist.
Pleae take care I am praying for you all. |
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| Cry Baby.......... instigator |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|02:42 am] |
 This morning Art showed me the image on the left and explained where that image came from and the controversy surrounding that image as well as several other images of children crying. First question came to mind was, how was the photographer, Jill Greenberg able to capture these children crying? Was it some magical CGI or incredible photoshop manipulation? Art showed me this blog that addresses the controversy surrounding the images of children crying and the photographer that..... for lack of a better term prompted or instigated them to cry. Imagine that, someone deliberately making children cry for the sake of her "art" and also to make a statement about the state of the world and the Bush administration. The irony is so blatant that if it were not so sick, it would be laughable. Here is this person, making children cry at her will (power and control) with the same regard as one gives to test new drugs and rat poison on lab rats. And the rationalization for using the rats is that it is okay for the sake of science. It is scary how a person who states that she also used her child as one of the models so it makes it okay to make other children cry also. And what about the parents of these "models" allowing their children to be made to cry when the photographer is ready for that "type of pose"? The photogrpher "attempts" (in a very weak and lame way I might add)to justify her stand and abuse towards vulnerable children in this article in American Photo Magazine. There are many articles and comments on this issue if you just google this photographers name, Jill Greenberg. What do you feel about all this? |
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