| Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|11:08 am] |
Greetings my LJ friends. I hope that all of you are having a peaceful and loving Christmas. I hope that all of you have been blessed enough to experience the wonderful experience of giving, to feel and see the smile upon the recipients face and knowing, that you were the source of that.
Merry Christmas |
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| Happy Mother's Day to you. |
[May. 11th, 2008|07:34 am] |
MOTHERS
Anticipation pain and then jubilation. Angelic and internal scents all in one tiny bundle......how sublime. Minds as open as the sky from whence they came... how can this be she muses with tears glistening like diamonds in her eyes. Holding fast like the talons of a... hawk but with soft gentle nudging from a ewe to her lamb... scenarios of what she would do to protect her young are her dreams that she drifts off to sleep with. How fitting it is that a gift from Heaven....
gives one in return.... |
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| Saddest Christmas |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|09:58 am] |
I want to wish you all a peacful Christmas. This is the saddest and lonliest Christmas I have ever had in my life. At this point I cannot get into the details because I am at a point at this moment that if I dare write about it........... I will cease to exist.
Pleae take care I am praying for you all. |
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| Cry Baby.......... instigator |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|02:42 am] |
 This morning Art showed me the image on the left and explained where that image came from and the controversy surrounding that image as well as several other images of children crying. First question came to mind was, how was the photographer, Jill Greenberg able to capture these children crying? Was it some magical CGI or incredible photoshop manipulation? Art showed me this blog that addresses the controversy surrounding the images of children crying and the photographer that..... for lack of a better term prompted or instigated them to cry. Imagine that, someone deliberately making children cry for the sake of her "art" and also to make a statement about the state of the world and the Bush administration. The irony is so blatant that if it were not so sick, it would be laughable. Here is this person, making children cry at her will (power and control) with the same regard as one gives to test new drugs and rat poison on lab rats. And the rationalization for using the rats is that it is okay for the sake of science. It is scary how a person who states that she also used her child as one of the models so it makes it okay to make other children cry also. And what about the parents of these "models" allowing their children to be made to cry when the photographer is ready for that "type of pose"? The photogrpher "attempts" (in a very weak and lame way I might add)to justify her stand and abuse towards vulnerable children in this article in American Photo Magazine. There are many articles and comments on this issue if you just google this photographers name, Jill Greenberg. What do you feel about all this? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2005|08:51 am] |
 Good morning everyone. It is a bright sunny Sunday morning here in Honolulu. It is very hot and humid right now... and it will get warmer. I hope this day finds you well and healthy. I would like to invite you all to visit ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) recurso_perdido. That is the new LJ that Art and I are doing jointly. I am not abandoning this LJ, so still visit me here. If you visit our new LJ and you feel you may want to be a friend in that LJ, please do. I hope you all have a great day and take care. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|08:29 pm] |
If God truly loves me...... he would not make me wait at this corner for him so long. What is wrong with him, he is a negligent father.
Amen |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|09:56 pm] |
What is this "thing" about reality shows? Does folks really believe that the people that they are watching on their TV screen are really lost or marooned on an island or jungle and really does not have anything to eat but raw fish, rats, lizards etc. etc...... I am so scared for those folks that truly believe that.... really. There is a filming crew..... generators to run thier equiptment, "real food" that is catered...... make up artists to make sure that the "actors and actresses" look beat down and worn out and what the hell ever. At work I hear this in the lunch room when I go to get my mid morning cup of coffee.... "Oh my God did you see "so and so" eat that horrible thing.... and I hope they get found quickly because I don't know how if "so and so" will be able to survive and live through that horrible ordeal...... another one said... "if those two have sex.... I hope she does not get pregnant because how will she give birth and will he baby live through the ordeal......"!!! There are folks that actually believe that the TV screen just happened to have a movie of what is really going on....... LOL..... I can't even continue this because I am feeling lamer by the minute just giving it this much time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|05:00 pm] |
This morning I was surfing the web while sipping my first cup of coffee. I found the image on the left of this post on this web site. The artist/photographer is Michael Garlington. I choose this image because as soon as I saw it...... I was struck with a strong deep feeling of deja vu. I felt like I was looking at me.... the way I used to look as a little girl. In fact.... everything about the image is so much like me as a child that it is in a way kind of eerie. I wanted to reach out and take that little girl in my arms and comfort her and whisper in her ear..... "I know.... you don't have to say the words.... I know what is happening to you"....."no wonder you have that look in your eyes". Sometimes in this life... you think back to a time that..... in the clear light of day and.... you wonder how you survived it. You almost feel like a phantom going back and forth between then and now..... and when you think about the numbing pain that you felt when you were so little and powerless..... but at the same time so mighty that you did endure and are strong beyond all human strength. You quickly leap forward to the now because after all.... you are a grown up and have the power of choices and communication to protect you. Now....... when I do "leap forward" I land in the arms of my angel. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2005|07:55 pm] |
There are changes in the wind.
Changes that cause transparency.
An almond colored sweater is
unraveling after being snagged.
Once a participant in passion
now voyeur to undying love.
Life is the sight of a spine
hunched over the alphabet while
sharing crumbs of conversation.
Nulling into void. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2005|07:23 pm] |
 Today I missed the Bay Area tremendously. Todays reason for missing the San Francisco Bay Area was triggered by this movie. All the scenes showed places that looked so very familiar.... even the lighting and the mood of that movie was familiar. It was a "cinamatique" deja vu experience! I am not sure that word is a real word. Anyway... it has been a quiet sunny yet windy Saturday in here Honolulu. Art spent most of the day at the his painting studio at the university and I ran some errands and went to borders to get some books for my step daughter, N. I got her the complete book of poems from Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton and Maya Angelou. I also got biographys of these poets. I also got the Narnia Chronicles from C. S. Lewis. Our girl loves to read so I got her enough to last for a little while at least.
Work has been stressful and busy as always. I had to do a workshop on Friday and then another on this coming Monday. Friday's workshop was about folks who "overuse" Oxycontin and about prescribers that "over prescribe" Oxycontin. The workshop on Monday will be about the various types of case management and how to be the most effective in that role.
I picked up some Pho for dinner.... (Vietnamese noodle soup) but I know that I will have to reheat it because when I walked in with the soup, Art was on the phone with our girl N. It is so trippy to me to hear him on the phone with his daughter..... I love them so much.
More tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2005|09:02 pm] |
 It is 9:16PM here in Honolulu but I wish it were 4:10PM last Friday. I love being at home in our little "urban cabin".... that is what I call our little one bedroom apartment. It is not much if you look at it from the outside but once you walk through the front door.... it has a cozy warm inviting, intimate feel to it. I think that fact that it is none descript on the outside is one of the things I like best about it.... does that sound strange.... whatever... that is the way I feel.
Today I spent the day getting ingredients for a meal that is part of a "work project". There are 5 of us in our case management department and we all have to serve a meal and do a presentation for the group. Our new boss... L. came up with the idea for each of us to do something for the group on separate days. I chose to do my project on monday because I am going to serve a meal that I spent the day preparing and then during the meal I will do a very informal workshop/presentation of helpful information on the practice of case management. I choose to prepare Portuguese soup and serve this with Portuguese sweet bread. We had some for dinner and Art loved it.
Life has been good to me and Art. We had a wonderful surprise a few months ago....... Art's 3 children whom I have never met, and who he has not seen for almost 15 years....... "surfaced". Art's 15 year old daughter will more then likely come to live with us. I am excited and nervous at the same time.... but I know that I will do a great job as a step mom and I am so sure that I will learn a lot from Miss N. (Art's daughter) also. N. is beautiful and brilliant. Yes she surely is her father's daughter.
As far as LJ is concerned... I have come to accept the fact that I am not going to update several times a day like other folks do. But none the less.... I will update when I am able to.
It is 69 degrees right now in Honolulu and that is the way I like it. I do miss the cooler temperatures that is synonymous with this time of the year in Northern California........ but then again there are folks who save up for years just to run to Hawaii for at least one winter to escape the cold. That is how life is.... full of contrasts and "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome!!
I will close for now but will be back soon..... have a good evening. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|10:41 pm] |
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I wish I were a bird so I could fly away..... with the other half of my heart to somewhere where only he and I would know where we are and we could simply take wing again and again and no one.... absolutely no one would find us. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|02:17 pm] |
Sometimes from the corner of my eye, I see a quick flash of movement. Of course when I turn to see what that was...... nothing. The folks who live above us seems to be practicing to be movers.... the type the scratches and scrapes your floors.... but the there are other sounds I hear that I know, that has nothing to do with the folks upstairs. Last night, when Art was at his job, I felt something/someone in here.... rather strongly. It seems to be always just behind me. Even now as I type this I keep glancing over my shoulder to make sure..... Sometimes there is a hint of the smell of alcohol, and yet no one in here is drinking.
I stayed home from work today to do some preparation for the Thanksgiving meal (that will be part of my next post) and some R&R because I have to use up my PTO hours. After I got through with my errands, came home to put the groceries away, and then have something to eat. Art was at school attending one of his classes and then doing a workshop. While I was here I felt the "thing" again. It made my lower jaw start to tremble, then my left arm had a tingling and a numbness..... all to familiar. After a while I started to eat something, but I felt the "thing" again. I moved to the sofa because it is against a wall with a window above, rather then where I was sitting. I usually sit on this chair that is against another wall that has a sliding door that is always ajar that leads into the kitchen. I did not want the chance of being surprised from the right/back of me. I hardly ever feel this way..... really.... but today it is rather strong. I called Art in case there was a chance that his workshop is over, and maybe pick him up for lunch since we live so close to the university. I did and he was just about done with the workshop. I called back an hour later and he said that he had just gotten through with the workshop and something to finish (prepping for the grad exhibit this sunday), then he would call me. I turned on the TV and started to watch but then I smelled that awful odor or rancid alcohol again and warm breath on the back of my neck. I decided to leave right then and there. I drove straight to the school went up the elevator and saw Art in the hall just walking back into his studio. He looked up and saw me and really did not look surprised. I went into his studio and felt like crying like a big baby and telling him about my "experiences". I looked at him and felt so so lame for interupting his day even if he did not mind at all. I saw clearly that he had a lot to do so I just left after hugs and kisses that were the elixir that my soul needed. He said that he would finish up what he needed to do and call me to get him. That will be good. Then we can spend some time together before he has to go to work tonite. |
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| G. Where are you? |
[Jul. 24th, 2004|05:43 pm] |
This morning I went on a bike ride along the edge of the Ala Wai canal..... the side where the park and bike path runs along the edge of the canal. There are benches scattered along the way and sometimes I see homeless people sleeping or sitting there with their backpacks and some have their bikes. There is one man that I pass on most of my rides. This man has a full white beard and he sits on that same bench and is just staring ahead. It always effects me when I see him. Today it hit me harder. I woke up not feeling extra tired and not well. My fibromyalgia decided to give me a nudge and remind me not to forget that I have that "condition". But I made a commitment to myself to ride at least twice every weekend and dammit I am going to do it. On times when my "condition" veers its ugly head...... I am hypersensitive and highly emotional. Today was no exception. After I passed this man....... I was so upset by his sadness and loneliness that I forced myself to ride further along until I know he could not see me then I stopped and heaved all of my breakfast onto the grass. Thank G. no one passed and saw me. The I took a few deep breaths and proceeded on with my ride. I looked up at across the canal and then I saw my Love riding his bike on the opposite side of the canal where there is traffic flowing and I don't feel confident enough to ride that yet. It was like seeing an angel just when I need to.
Why does humans have babies and they don't know what to do with them. Why does G. let them. One poor 14 year old that I have.....correction...... had on my case load committed suicide because her Fu----- Idi-- of a mother did not help her when she told her that her step father was abusing her. I wonder what excuses that bitch is making for her self and her daughter taking her life like that. For any of you reading this thinks that I am being judgmental...... well all I can say to that is..... fuck you. And why the hell should I not be judgemental. More folks should. Try being that child at 14 pushed to the point of having to do that because no one would help her. I got her on my caseload after she was in life support and all I did was coordinate her care then make sure that the rest of her siblings are not put in any more danger then they probably was in........ and now they are safe. But it is too late for her. I was one of those children at one time and no one helped me......... I swear....... there are some women or girls that should be sterilized before the hit puberty because they make babies then either abandon them, abuse them or stick their stupid ostrich heads in the sand while their "man" is hurting their children. And yes...... I know that there are lots of good women and great moms out there......... but they are not the only ones having babies. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|07:35 pm] |
We are finally settled in our apartment and we like it. It is smaller then our other place but we can handle that. We will be moving into the apartment right next to us in a few months. That one is a 2 bedroom and it is a corner unit. The is very desirable to Art and I........ no one needs to walk past our place on the way to their apartment. M. lives in the 2 bedroom next door and she will be getting married in a few months and then the place will be ours. Now that move will be so easy to do.
Work........ well still the same. It is very angst ridden job that I have but dealing with that is not as hard for me as dealing with the bureaucratic bull shit that I deal with on a daily basis. I am not an ambitious person. I work hard and do my very best. I am not a "ladder climber" and I will not "cut throat" to keep my job. Unfortunately there are humanoids who are that way and in their desperation to "get ahead"........... the can sense folks like me and try to push their way ahead of me........ for instance this young lady who I have spent all but most of this year training....... she was so bloody green when she started and now she thinks that she is Miss Case Manager Extraordnaire".......even to the point that she was telling me what to do today in front of a new hire. Of course I turned around and looked at her and let her know "what time it was"........ and it was not time to pull that crap on me........ and she found that out real quick. Her round cherub cheeks turned so red that I had visions of them covered with caramel and me taking a bite off of one of them!
What keeps me going? Its the time after work and the week ends. Oh yeah. I count the days till Friday after work. Art and I have been biking along the Ala Wai Canal. Finally I can ride my bike. This area that we live in is very conducive to biking walking and jogging. This week end we got up early on Sunday and after breakfast we went on a great ride. I rode so hard that when I got off of the bike........ my legs were numb at first then wobbly like they were made of jello. Then shortly after I felt great. I am committed to being more fit. I am watching what I eat more then ever........ hence I feel more energized and healthier.
That evening we took a walk along the Ala Wai Trail and ate at a new Brazilian restaurant. It was okay but the menu was based on a lot of meat entrees and we are not heavy meat eaters. However...... the man across the table was the best part of the evening!
We have been both very busy........ with our jobs, school and with this move. But we do find time to enjoy time together. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2004|08:21 pm] |
~The first time we spent an evening at that apartment in North Beach....... we both stood on the balcony with glasses of merlot in our hands and we stared at the lite up Trans America Pyramid that seemed like it was only a few feet away from us. We looked at each other in silence as P went on and on about this and that....... we both could not believe that a few hours before....... that we were at Jeff's and Erica's at the Sunset ....... trying to keep our composure while listening to her total BS.
~The Pear. Oh yes we saw that sign with a large green pear on Van Ness........ we stopped to read the flyer on the door. It said that a new restaurant named "the Pear" would be opening very soon. After that we were very vigilant. We waited and watched........ until finally it opened. That place was so divine. We went once by ourselves and then........ we took Mary Jesus..........well that was something else. We never learned. Take someone with "Oppositional Disorder" and who is also extremely misanthropic to any place that requires some amount of social skills and empathy for folks who serve customers......... you have a recipe for a fiasco or at the least........... some discomfort! The Blessed Mother's name sake was her usual "AntiSocial" "human hating" self....... and her behavior was proof of that. We never went back to that restaurant after that........ and it closed shortly thereafter. What a great restaurant it was. The decor was perfect....... the food divine and the staff....... cordial and professional. I suspect that after MJ did her mojo in that place....... something must have happened...... hmmm.
~Every thing I had........ she wanted. And she took it or was given it by momma. And when she took it..... she had a mean smile on her face. We used to have "cat fights". She pulled my hair and scratched the tops on my hand...... there are still little scars shaped like half moons. I never see her any more. I hope she is safe and happy. My sister C.
~I waited at the airport terminal and looked up at all the passengers that walked along the long passage way. Then I saw him........ tall and beautiful and he turned and saw me and I knew my Love came home. We could not wait to get into the car to drive off to our love nest. We never made to that destination........ at least not right away....... we found a spot not far from the airport and devoured one another.
~Sometimes during lunch time on a school day...... my friends and I would walk behind the cafeteria all along the Manoa stream....... to see how far we could get.......... sometimes we would go to far and end up at the University campus........ then we panicked and hurried back to school......... late for class. Those nuns just loved to hit me on my knuckles....... and I always fantasized about hitting them back....... but I never did.
~It was C's turn to wash dishes and my turn to wipe. I waited for her to leave the kitchen so that I could go in there get my chore over with. I walked into the kitchen to find out why she was taking so bloody long. There she was sitting in the sink with all her clothes on soaked and wet...... siting in the dirty dish water! I asked her why she did that........ she said that the water felt so warm and good...... so she just climbed in. I was 13 and she was 10. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2004|06:47 pm] |
RANDOM MEMORIES...........
~Running across Kapiolani Blvd, at 7:30am and taking the short cut by running through the Japanese grave yard.... all those bright perfectly round oranges and tangerines sitting obediently in front of the shiny gravestones with images of the dead somberly looking at the forbidden fruit. There were times that I almost reached down to snatch one of those........ but then I lived so close by that I could not risk the owners of that fruit coming after me.
~After World History class I literally ran down the hall with anticipation because I would be in music class for the next hour. The nuns in the hall looked disapprovingly at me as I ran then skidded just before the doorway of my class. My hair wild and undone but a broad smile on my face.
~My breath caught in my throat as I looked up to see those dark almond eyes that seemed to look straight into my heart. I felt like time had stopped and we were alone. And I wanted to die a beautiful death by drowning into the pool that was him.
~I wore white silk with buttons the shape of roses. I wore the skirt he gave me of black and purple flowers and they moved with every step I took. He held both my little hands in his large but gentle ones. Then we became one in a church in Hilo. We honeymooned at a bed and breakfast in Volcano and made love in the two bedrooms and living room floor.
~We arrived at SFO at about 1AM on 11/15/1994. L was there to meet us in all her exotic beauty. We drove through the city looking for Jeff's place in the Sunset. We got there almost 2 hours later. We did not know the city and got lost a few times. There I was an island girl in awe of the city as we drove through the city streets. Later we learned our way and all looked and felt different. But still wondrous and exciting.
~The first day I reported to work at the shelter in a community in the Bay Area......... I was in awe. I fell in love with my job. I thanked God everyday for this work and the ability to do it. I think about that place and miss it so very much.
~I felt anticipation after the meeting at the shelter. Our car was in the repair shop so my boss was dropping me off the the bus station and I was going to catch the number 52 to the city. Art was in the studio at SFAI waiting for me. We were going to have dinner in North Beach and maybe a movie. If our friend Jeff was at the school, he would drop us at home after, if not, we would catch the Golden Gate transit home. My boss dropped me off, and started to drive off.......... I stepped off the curb and he suddenly lurched back and hit me with his very large white jeep Cherokee. Now when I think about that accident, I marvel at how I did not scream....... I had a calm feeling that swept over me and the words "I am going to die here alone, I hope Art and my family will be alright". After that all that existed is pain......... pain like no other that I have ever had in my life. I never want to experience that again.
~It is very hard being on a wheel chair and wanting to urinate but when you lift yourself up to get on to the toilet seat, you wet your self before you make it. I had many days and nights like that. But I am blessed because unlike some others, that was only a moment in time.
~In the middle of the night I hear the steady sound of his breathing and even that sounds beautiful to me. I nuzzle against his back and feel the warmth of his skin and the lean length of his body against the front of mine. I just want the night never to end. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2004|06:51 pm] |
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This an image is of a post card that was sent to me by this wonderful and talented lady. Talin........ I just love it...... and Art loves his also....... you are so kind. I know that I have very very remiss in updating. I do have to admit that I have been busy and had some health set backs recently....... but I have to get with the program and start at least updating once a week. Thanks for being patient with me my friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|08:03 pm] |
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You are stricken by
the fire in your loins
and slain by the
vileness of the
ringing in
your ears.
Shed all of your
invisible thunder
and pretension.
Lest you be
skinned and
left to dry.
The only moisture
you feel will be
the tears that
etch quicksilver
on your cheek.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2004|03:06 pm] |
Today.... is a windy day here in Honolulu. I dropped Art off at his studio at the University and came back home. The phone rang and it was Art asking me to go to City Mill to pick up some nails that he needs to build some stretchers. I drive to City Mill, picked up the nails that he needed and went to the studio to deliver them to him. After I parked our car........ I walked to the elevator in the Art Building....... the elevator is near the sculpting, ceramics and metalworks departments. I went up the elevator to the floor where Arts studio is located. I knocked on his studio door and he let me in. It was wonderful walking in there. The smell of linseed oil and turpentine, combined with the smells of oil paint and fresh sawed wood hit greeted me..... and I loved it. His arms around me while he buried his face in my hair and the embrace we savored....... all so wonderful. I sat with him for a while. We kissed good bye. When he is ready to come home........ he will call. There is a reception and openning of a Thesis show today at 5PM. We may check it out when I pick him up....... we shall see. When I walked to our car....... the wind was blowing and I heard birds chirping loudly as their nests were rocked by the wind. The sound of the trees...... the smell of the grass and eucalyptis were all so pleasing and the sense of Deja Vu enveloped me. I remembered my time there on that campus...... that was an interesting time. But I would not trade it for now. |
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